Laura J Booker's Modern Times and Hard Rhymes  her debut poetry collection will be out soon.

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Laura J Booker is a wife, mother, and obedient servant to her two cats.  Born and bred in South Yorkshire Laura says it as it is, she began writing poetry during the first covid lockdown as a way to deal with the stress and find humour in those strange times, she continues to find strange things everywhere. 

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There follows some sample poems from the book - Warning the poems are of an adult them and content:

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INVISIBLE

 

I have a little secret

One I am going to share

One day what I was about 40

I simply wasn’t there

Somehow I turned invisible

No longer could be seen

Men would look right through me

And shop girls were just mean

The doors would swing back in my face

In shops I was ignored

When people finally noticed me

They’d act like they were bored

In queues people barge past me

At bars I’d dehydrate

My powers of invisibility

Simply were too great

I wish that I’d been warned of this

So that I could get a sign

That says “oi bitch

You serve me first

And you lot get in line”

I may be knocking on a bit

I might not be in my youth

But I’ve something I want to share with you

Here’s a painful truth

One day you’ll be transparent too

And people will not see

So let us hope when that day comes

You’re not waiting in front of me

 

BRAS

 

Why do bras hate me?

Can someone tell me that?

I push my boobs in round the front

They pop out round the back

I’m sure I line my jugs up, at the start of every day

But by lunchtime I’ve got one up here

And the others run away

The straps dig in, the wires pop out

It’s such a blooming hassle

I can’t even start to think

How you wear a nipple tassel!

At the airport you can guarantee

I’ll set off the alarms

I’m sick of having to show the staff

My more than ample charms

All the really sexy stuff is made

For the girls all slim and trim

For girls like me with more to see

We need more…scaffolding

Oh why do bras hate me?

I say this every day

I’ll stay a mess

I’ll wear a vest

And throw the chuffs away

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THONGS

 

Thongs are wrong in many ways

And these I will outline

Its never right to stick up your arse

Something thinner than a washing line

They ride up high and go in deep

Much further than they ought to

In my mind your undies never should

Be making your eyes water

That funny pose you have to strike

When performing an extraction

I can’t say it’s a sexy look

I just don’t see the attraction

If I wanted to hurt myself this way

In a bid to feel that twinge

I could just wear an elastic band

And pull it up my minge

In winter they are rubbish

Leaving your cheeks chapped and exposed

You really want something sensible

On your bum under your clothes

In summer its unhygienic

Just a sweaty bit of string

That’ll just divide and chafe you

And we all know where that’s been

I know some people find them sexy

But I’m here to tell you no!

Leaving things to your imagination

Is much sexier and so

I shall always avoid the evil thong

And I’ll reassure you that

You never see, cheese wire up me

Dissecting my bum crack

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